i think my tv is drunk
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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