I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
