Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
