Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
