I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
