We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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