so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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