my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
