someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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