i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
