I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
