went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
How's work?
Spinning.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
