Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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