I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
