oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
