grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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