There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
