I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
