so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
