So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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