This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
