omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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