im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
