I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
