girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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