Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
