even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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