Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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