He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
