he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
