yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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