I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
