i think my tv is drunk
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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