Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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