im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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