yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
