I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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