my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
