I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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