i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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