how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You pole danced in your parka.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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