Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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