this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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