he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
