You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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