You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
