I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
