The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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