I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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