@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
