remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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